October 7, 2013

Keeping secrets is really hard. And sad.

This post is probably the hardest I have written to date.  I just cant seem to get all of my thoughts out without over sharing.  First, Sky and I have been trying to have a baby for awhile now. The length of time is irrelevant because no matter which way you look at it, we still don't have a baby. We have been to doctors, I have taken medicine, and I have almost broken with the stress and the guilt that seems to go hand in hand with infertility.  Many times a day I sit and reflect on my life.  I think how lucky I am and that maybe its just not our turn yet, and as hard as that is to accept I don't have any other choice.

Last month all of our waiting paid off.  I got my first positive pregnancy test and my hope were high.  I let myself dream and envision our life with a brand new baby.  My blood work came back positive the first time and iffy the second time.  My numbers weren't rising the way they should but the nurse kept saying positive things that made me think that everything was ok.  I had a scheduled ultrasound for 9 Oct to see the baby for the first time and begged my body to keep hold of this tiny miracle that we had waited so long for.  I woke up the morning of Sept 27 to lots of bleeding and cramps that brought me to my knees.  I knew that both of these were very bad signs but called the nurse anyway and she confirmed my fears, miscarriage.  I was told that it really wasn't needed but to come in for blood work and an ultrasounds anyway. I love my doctor, I mean, I really love her.  She is so kind and reassuring.  She did the ultrasound and gave me details but said that this was most likely a chemical pregnancy.

I left the doctor not sure how to feel.  Do I still grieve even though this wasn't technically a real pregnancy?  I was sad the entire next day but I felt ok.  I think, looking back on it, I just wanted to accept it and move on.  I felt like the "baby" wasn't really ours to begin with so grieving felt a little silly. Boy, was I dumb.  The entire week I went about my normal routine and kept pushing the miscarriage out of my head.  Then, like I was run over by a truck, I was SAD.  So so so sad.  I was weepy and depressed and I couldn't find the happy anywhere. But even though I had to go through this rough patch, I came out the other side, wiser and ready for what comes next.