Keeping secrets is really hard. And sad.

This post is probably the hardest I have written to date.  I just cant seem to get all of my thoughts out without over sharing.  First, Sky and I have been trying to have a baby for awhile now. The length of time is irrelevant because no matter which way you look at it, we still don't have a baby. We have been to doctors, I have taken medicine, and I have almost broken with the stress and the guilt that seems to go hand in hand with infertility.  Many times a day I sit and reflect on my life.  I think how lucky I am and that maybe its just not our turn yet, and as hard as that is to accept I don't have any other choice.

Last month all of our waiting paid off.  I got my first positive pregnancy test and my hope were high.  I let myself dream and envision our life with a brand new baby.  My blood work came back positive the first time and iffy the second time.  My numbers weren't rising the way they should but the nurse kept saying positive things that made me think that everything was ok.  I had a scheduled ultrasound for 9 Oct to see the baby for the first time and begged my body to keep hold of this tiny miracle that we had waited so long for.  I woke up the morning of Sept 27 to lots of bleeding and cramps that brought me to my knees.  I knew that both of these were very bad signs but called the nurse anyway and she confirmed my fears, miscarriage.  I was told that it really wasn't needed but to come in for blood work and an ultrasounds anyway. I love my doctor, I mean, I really love her.  She is so kind and reassuring.  She did the ultrasound and gave me details but said that this was most likely a chemical pregnancy.

I left the doctor not sure how to feel.  Do I still grieve even though this wasn't technically a real pregnancy?  I was sad the entire next day but I felt ok.  I think, looking back on it, I just wanted to accept it and move on.  I felt like the "baby" wasn't really ours to begin with so grieving felt a little silly. Boy, was I dumb.  The entire week I went about my normal routine and kept pushing the miscarriage out of my head.  Then, like I was run over by a truck, I was SAD.  So so so sad.  I was weepy and depressed and I couldn't find the happy anywhere. But even though I had to go through this rough patch, I came out the other side, wiser and ready for what comes next. 

It's Finally Fall!!

So, this post was meant to go up on Monday, ya know, that day after the first day of Fall but c'est la vie. Anyway, its FALL!!  My very favorite season, the time of the year I look forward too.  While it is still hot here in SC, I have been wearing sweaters with my sandals and drinking hot chocolate like its going out of style. Here are some of the things that I am loving for fall!

Apple Picking//Big chunky sweaters//Coffee coffee coffee//Apple cider donuts//October//Homemade apple butter//Thick socks//Magic of the season//Plaid scarf

If you missed my Fall Bucket List, you can find it here.

Keep up with all my fall adventures

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Literary Junkies

Yay!  Its Literary Junkies time! I love linking up with Taylor & Lesley to share some books I'm loving!

Here are this month’s questions:

1. What are you currently reading? Tell us about it.
2. Autumn is coming! What’s your go-to drink when curling up with a book at night?
3. Printed books vs. e-books: What are the pros and cons of each?
4. Buying books vs. library books: Which do you prefer and why?

Here are my answers:

1. What are you currently reading? Tell us about it.
I just finished City of Fallen Angels by Cassandra Clare. It was...ok? I was actually really disappointed because I have LOVED the entire series up until this book.  I felt like this book was all about relationship angst between Jace & Clary and Alec & Magnus and even Simon & Isabelle & Maia. Ugh.  It was too much love drama and not enough actual plot. Here's what Goodreads says:

The Mortal War is over, and sixteen-year-old Clary Fray is back home in New York, excited about all the possibilities before her. She's training to become a Shadowhunter and to use her unique power. Her mother is getting married to the love of her life. Downworlders and Shadowhunters are at peace at last. And - most importantly of all - she can finally call Jace her boyfriend.

But nothing comes without a price.

Someone is murdering Shadowhunters who used to be in Valentine's Circle, provoking tensions between Downworlders and Shadowhunters that could lead to a second bloody war. Clary's best friend, Simon, can't help her. His mother just found out that he's a vampire and now he's homeless. Everywhere he turns, someone wants him on their side - along with the power of the curse that's wrecking his life. And they're willing to do anything to get what they want. At the same time he's dating two beautiful, dangerous girls - neither of whom knows about the other one.

When Jace begins to pull away from Clary without explaining why, she is forced to delve into the heart of a mystery whose solution reveals her worst nightmare: She herself has set in motion a terrible chain of events that could lead to her losing everything she loves. Even Jace.

Love. Blood. Betrayal. Revenge. The stakes are higher than ever in City of Fallen Angels.

..........................................................................................................................................

I also just started the second book in the Last Survivors series, The Dead and the Gone. I am very excited to get into this book, I LOVED the first one. Since I am literally on page 5 I will let Goodreads tell ya about it: 

Susan Beth Pfeffer’s Life as We Knew It enthralled and devastated readers with its brutal but hopeful

look at an apocalyptic event--an asteroid hitting the moon, setting off a tailspin of horrific climate changes. Now this harrowing companion novel examines the same events as they unfold in New York City, revealed through the eyes of seventeen-year-old Puerto Rican Alex Morales. When Alex's parents disappear in the aftermath of tidal waves, he must care for his two younger sisters, even as Manhattan becomes a deadly wasteland, and food and aid dwindle.

With haunting themes of family, faith, personal change, and courage, this powerful new novel explores how a young man takes on unimaginable responsibilities.

2. Autumn is coming! What’s your go-to drink when curling up with a book at night?
Hot chocolate!  And sometimes hot apple cider! Yum!

3. Printed books vs. e-books: What are the pros and cons of each?
I like both but love printed books the best. I like the convenience of e-books for traveling but honestly I mostly end up just playing with the apps.  I have a Nook color which has a lot of tablet features but my favorite is that it actually has color! It seems more sophisticated than the Kindle. Nothing can top a real, printed book though.  The new book smell, the crack of the spine, the sound of turning the pages.  The best!
4. Buying books vs. library books: Which do you prefer and why?
The library and I are best friends.  I love that I can request books online and go pick them up or just casually stroll through the shelves.  I usually only buy books that I have read or big series.  I also get a ton of my books second hand from Goodwill.  I have found entire series at Goodwill for a fraction of the price!

Okay, so those are my answers. Now it’s your turn to link up! 

{How We Weekend} Going on a Hike & some Geocaching

Oh, Monday. I hate you. You are such a glorious weekend ruiner! However sucky Mondays are, I did get a few projects done and I cant wait to share!

Over the weekend we went on a loooong hike. The days are finally getting cooler where we can actually be outside and not fear heat stroke. Awesome. So we hiked around the park for a good part of the afternoon and did a little Geocaching. Afterward, we came home and had some yummy chinese food for lunch and lounged the rest of the day having a Bones marathon (thanks Netflix!)  

I hope you had a great weekend!